Rants of a Worrier

On the 21st of January I met up with a guy from Australia. We had been talking for a bit before and he was really cute. We went into Bath and had a lovely walk, we then went and got a hot chocolate which I kindly paid for. After we went back to his and had a drink, we had the radio on and I sat cuddled up to him. He went in for a kiss, it was so passionate. We kissed some more, our hands were gliding over each others bodies. He noticed I was hard and he took me upstairs. We messed around then decided to leave his, hand in hand we walked around for a little bit, it was about 12. We stopped every now and again to kiss. It was really cold and he needed to be back soon so we said farewell. We decided to see each other the following Thursday. So the week went on and I couldn’t get him out of my head. Woke up Thursday really looking forward to our day together. Only to then find out he had a trial shift for a job. I was a little upset but I couldn’t do anything about it. We rearranged to the following Saturday. Again something popped up. This happened time and time again my patients was running thin. Then one weekend I had a Uni interview. We decided after the interview we’d meet up for a drink. On the train back he told me he was out with friends drinking but wanted them to meet me. He told me where to meet him and so I went there, only to find out it was the wrong pub. This wasn’t so much his fault as he didn’t know the area very well but I was really pissed off. He then told me to meet him near his house. I waited and waited to then find out he thought he’d just go to bed as he was drunk. So I looked like a twat. Went home really upset. The next day he text me to apologise and said he’d make it up to me. Which he still hasn’t. I think in total we have arranged to meet up on about 30 different occasions that he had then fell through on. So I was surprised when a couple of weeks ago he rang me while I was on my journey home from another interview. He said that he really liked me and apologised for being a dick and messing me around. He blamed it on not wanting to get hurt, something he was doing to me by found this. I told him I liked him but he really pissed me off. He asked if we could put the past behind us and start again. I was hesitant but said I could do that. We are meant to be meeting today. I hope it happens or I know he hasn’t changed his ways and will continue to mess me about.

So the guy from before broke up with his boyfriend. We were kinda seeing eachother. We kissed and held hands and even one time our hands wandered. But the next day he seemed off with me? He enjoyed it then suddenly things had changed. His ex was moving back home within a week and this completely changed our relationship. He seemed to be pissed off with me a lot and really down. Two days before he left his ex and I went for a walk, he told me how this guy likes me and that I have to be there for him when he leaves. This was the first time I was with his ex alone, it was a little awkward but we got to know eachother better. Before we didn’t get on as he had freaked me out telling me he wanted to do this to me. But he apologised. The walk was nice and we then went back to theirs, the guy I liked had a friend round and he hardly spoke at all. Me and his ex kept exchanging looks of the same feelings. I then left after we spoke a little, this time the ex took me to the door and I left. I then had a text saying that the ex wanted a hug, so I told him I’ll give him one next time I see him. He was going back home early on Thursday morning so they invited me to stay the night. We stayed up all night and drank and played some card games. I was dared to have my chest shaven and so the ex did it, as he was doing it, in nothing but his boxers. He kept rubbing his dick against me, and I can’t lie I enjoyed it. In the past the ex had told me he wanted to snog me, something I was really comfortable with as I like his former boyfriend. We went and sat in the living room and the guy I liked fell asleep, I then got a text from the ex asking for the snog. I couldn’t deny him it this would probably be the last time I see him. We went into the kitchen and it was really awkward before but it was a good snog. Soft and long. After we chatted for a bit and then it was time to leave. We got to the airport and he jumped out of the car. He was gone. The guy I liked had just seen the guy he lived with and saw everyday for 6months gone. He loved him but couldn’t cry infront of people but you could tell he was fighting back the tears as his voice was wobbly as he spoke. This bought a tear to my eye luckily he didn’t see. We got back to his and I went home, we were both tired a we hadn’t really slept. Thursday he wanted to be alone so I let him be with the occasional chat. He told me how he was really bored and bringing the house upset him as it reminded him so much of his past lover. I needed to go to town the following day to get fabric and didn’t really wanna go alone so I told him I will pay for him to come with me. We went and he had some stuff to sort out himself, we done that got what I needed and got the bus back. He told me something on the journey that not many people knew, something he must really trust me to tell me. I found this cute and just enforced my feelings for him. When I look argon I think he can tell I have a huge thing for him, I look at him like I have never seen such beauty in my life. I went home to drop of my purchases and have some food. He invited me over to watch dr who. I went round and he were both sat/lead on the bed. I thought I was dreaming it was perfect. Then while on Grindr he discovered a guy living close. Like across the road close. He told him to meet him and gave him the wrong address he wanted to know what he looked like so we pierced out of the window as he walked past. He told the guy he wasn’t really ready for anything as he had just come out of a relationship. And said he was with a friend (me) when the guy asked if I was hot his reply was “Each to their own”. I just wanted to break down and cry right there infront of him. I’ve never felt so shit in my life. Anyway we sat and watched the rest of the film we were watching and half way through he took his shirt off. Thinking it was a sign, obviously not. So I decided to leave, we were both getting tired. As I left he gave me a hug, I really wanted to go in for a kiss but couldn’t bring myself to. As soon a I walked down the path I missed him? I felt like I couldn’t stop think about him already. Well I got home spoke a bit and then fell asleep. I had the best dream ever, we were together. A couple. All the things I wanted to do in the day (hug him from behind, give him kisses) all happened in this dream. It’s the only dream I’ve had for month’s that i’ve remembered. I just wish it could come true, I really really like this guy. He isn’t my typical type and it might be a bit of work but I want something with him. I just think I’ve been friend zoned to the max.

I’m not gonna be taken for a mug anymore. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s my biggest flaw. I let people close enough to play with my heart strings then pull the bugger out. I feel like people who don’t even Know me can walk all over me. I know I say this and it probably won’t happen cuz I’m a big softie. I forgive too easily and see the good in people even after they’ve shat on my heart.

I should probably also add today when in his flat his boyfriend was in the living come bed room and we were in the kitchen come dining room. Sat at the table he rested his leg on the chair next to mine then he took one leg and placed it in-between mine. Having music on he was tapping his feet. (All this before the confrontation).